If you grew up in a major city during an economic blight assisted by Reaganomics coupled with an influx of drugs that turned your part of town to a war zone full of zombies & kids with guns, cars and armies of child soldiers ready to kill for them at a moments notice then you may understand the concept of fear.

My older brothers and their friends made it a point to try to toughen me & my younger brother up in order to be able to deal with the daily tests we’d receive growing up in South End & Roxbury in Boston during the late 70’s throughout the 80’s. I didn’t understand why then, but I completely overstand it now.

If someone got in your face you couldn’t back down. You had to look them right in the eyes. If you talked shit about someone & they approached you, you weren’t allowed to deny it. Better yet, say whatever you have to say to that person’s face to start so there’d be no confusion or just shut the fuck up altogether.

You weren’t allowed to back out of a fight. Ever. If you ran from a fight, the older kids would inform your family & you’d have to first shoot the fair one with that kid THEN get your ass whopped for running in the first damn place. I’ve seen it happen firsthand.

I grew up in a different world then these kids do now. Kids got stabbed when I was growing up. Adults got shot and when they did we all knew why. You could still have a fist fight up until about ‘84-‘86. After that era if cats lost a fight, they’d get a gun & shoot the dude that beat ‘em. That was the beginning of the Crack Era. The world turned upside down.

The sense of community we once had quickly began to deteriorate. Whereas once Ms. Johnson would call up Mrs. Vazquez to tell her she saw her son Hector on the corner with Jamil & Angel selling drugs she’d be told to “mind her own fuckin’ business” or get harassed by armed youth for “fuckin’ with our money”. I’ve  seen it happen firsthand.

When you’re a kid with no control over your environment you do tend to fear for your life. Children aren’t wired to be constantly aware of their mortality, either. Fear can be paralyzing. Fear can be crippling. Fear can make you weak. I repeat, fear CAN make you weak.

I learned early on that you can’t give in to fear. We humans have been programmed to deal with conflict or adversity two ways, fight or flight. I always chose “fight” because I saw nothing good ever came of letting fear take over and render you weak and helpless.

I also finally understood that fear was a necessary thing. It was like when Thulsa Doom explained The Riddle Of The Steel to Conan except I came to this realization by myself. I lived in a world where you feared being killed daily for trivial reasons as it was an accepted aspect of city life.

Fearing something or someone isn’t exhibiting weakness, it’s exhibiting intelligence. If you can recognize & detect a thing that potentially dangerous to you that’s a good thing. The real issue is how you personally deal with that fear. You must make that same fear work to your advantage.

Fear can be your greatest motivator. Fear can keep you vigilant (as opposed to paranoia, which will make you weaker than fear ever could). Fear will keep you sharp and on point provided you don’t ever become engulfed or ruled by it.

Fear can be channeled into consciousness. Fear can be channeled into foresight. Fear can be used much the same way stress can turned into eustress to become beneficial to your focus and well being. Unfortunately, people can be easily controlled or pacified by simply tapping into their fears (which are widespread & numerous).

Five years ago, I quit my managerial job in a bad economy to write. I met people while I was working that were going to Sundance Film Festival & pitch meetings or going to New York to see their editors. Some were making their first features or magazine contributors. I had no background in journalism and no degree. None of that mattered to me. I couldn’t let that deter me from my goal.

One day, I may have to leave Boston in order to make my goals and dreams a reality. If I fear anything, it’s that. I have to do the same thing I’ve done since I was a kid and not be afraid of leaving my city in order to achieve what I need to. Boston will never leave me and one day I’ll make muhfuckas have to come here to see me as opposed to me going to see them all the time.

My entire life has been about doing whatever I had to do in order to get to where I want to or where I need to. This shouldn’t change at this late stage of the game. I have nothing to fear, after all. If I made it through the adverse conditions of my adolescence and my early adult years I can make it through anything and come out alive.

I must not fear. I will not fear. I’m from the South End of Boston…it’s simply not allowed.

One.

Photos courtesy of Beantown Today, Boston Phoenix archives & myself